How to interact with women of reproductive age

Note: this originally started out as a joke at work: that the men in the department would write just such a guide. Then I wrote it. And since I wrote it, it's only really about how to interact with the sort of women I would, if I weren't married, want to meet. As such, I have the underlying assumption that the manreader wants a relationship, or whatever sort, of equality.

Further, consider the message, not the source: I don't claim that I'm particularly successful with women, indeed, there's no reason why you should listen to me.

 

I. What women want

Despite cultural mythology, women are not mystical or even very complicated creatures. They are, however, much less consistent than men are: what was good on day #1 may or may not be good on day #2, depending on a variety of factors, influences, etc. No use complaining about it or throwing your hands in the air in exasperation. That’s the way it is.

Women, generally speaking, want to be treated like someone special. This is important. Each woman you meet will want to feel like she’s different and more important to you than other women; that she’s not easily replaceable, that’s she not just what you settled for. If this is really the case, cool. If not, it is highly advantageous, if not essential, to pretend that it is the case.
Women like a mixture of safety and excitement/toughness in a man. To get this balance right is one of our biggest challenges. Good luck.

II. You

The path from you to women starts, predictably, with you.

Your appearance:

Maintain a minimum standard of hygiene: shower, wear clean clothes, brush your teeth, wear deodorant. Clean your ears. Trim your finger- and toenails. If you get to the barefoot stage, women are particularly turned off by sharp toenails, believe me. I shouldn’t have to tell you all this.
Regarding clothing, you don’t need to go crazy here, women don’t expect you to wear matching clothes or, in their parlance “outfits”, but if you do, they will notice and they will (very probably) like it. If you’re in doubt ask a woman, even your Mom, or a co-worker, “Do I match?”. You don’t need to “accessorize” or have a manicure. You don’t even need to shave. Women put a hell of a lot into their own appearance, you should at least look a little put together – not like you slept outside.

Your behavior

Generally speaking it’s best to be yourself, unless you’re a disgusting slob or a wreck, in which case, try to pull yourself together at least long enough to fool her.
Don’t act like you’re drinking at home with your man friends. And do not fawn all over the women like you're a peasant and she's a princess. If you have the opposite problem, remember that many men think they are a fantastic catch, a real prize -- in truth, few men are. Of course, you may be, but more likely you're in the fatter part of the bell curve. Be polite to her but act like you're equals.

III. Talking to women

Let her do most of the talking. You must, at least, give the impression that you’re actively listening. Agree with her on a few points. Share some details that will build a connection to what she’s said; e.g. if she says her sister lives in Bregenz, mention that you saw a play there (if you really did) or that your Aunt used to live there. If you disagree with something she says, feel free to express it, but not vehemently. This isn’t a debate.
The #1 mistake men make is to ruin everything by saying something stupid, egotistical, or insensitive. Don’t attempt to impress women or prove how smart or how important you are. This is irritating to women, probably because it just shows that if you need to prove it, you feel inadequate. Inadequate is 0% sexy. And if you are smart or important she will have already sensed it.
Lastly, while compliments are the way to woman’s heart, you can’t give them out like candy to children and expect instant gratitude. Don’t open with compliments, save them. If you do give them, they should be true and not something she gets all the time.
If you’re funny, good. Woman love men who can make them laugh. Love them. But don’t be nasty.

IV. How to know when a woman is interested in you?

If she looks at you, that’s good. If she looks at you and slow licks her lips, while slowly crossing and uncrossing her legs, she’s interested. What are you waiting for? Go get her, you tiger! Admittedly, this is unlikely to happen. When a woman is interested in you, she'll send you little body language signals and looks which you will fail to catch. If you do manage to catch them, remember that the looks probably say "I'm interested in you. I would like if you approached me." not "Let's have sex right now." Try to act accordingly. If you approach a woman without her having sent you these signals, you will almost certainly be rejected, unless you have a certainly special something (maybe looks, maybe some je ne sais quoi). And if you do have that something special there's no need to read this little piece except of course, as a joke, as it was originally intended.

Church towers and Mountains

Some people climb mountains. That's not for me. Look at Messner: he lost six toes and a younger brother. I prefer church towers -- the man-made, conquering the human assembly, ascending the historical. You can take lovely pictures up there: cityscapes, mountains fringed on the horizon like a pie crust; it's not a battle between man and nature (or man and beast on a mountain, or man and beast poo on some other mountains).

The church I grew up attending only had a ground floor, a small steeple, and no bells. The steeple was a concession to someone's idea of what a Midwest Protestant church should look like. Once there was a fire but it was in a small storage closet and was put out before it could reach up to Heaven like (some of) our eyes and prayers or the smoke from the candles at the altar.

This may have frustrated me. In any case, perhaps I took unconscious revenge by fainting at the altar during my first communion and smashing my head on the floor before being gathered up by the ushers and carried out. I was told my head made a resounding boom whose echo filled the hall. Perhaps that knocked the demon out because I made it through the second service that morning without collapsing.

Ancestors on my father's side were coal miners, daily descending in cages to hack out Appalachian rock. They weren't religious folk, nor am I now. When I got my first communion wafer the Pastor asked that God keep me inquisitive. I have been kept inquisitive. I have climbed Stephansdom in Vienna, St. Stephen’s in Budapest, and St. Paul’s in London. I climbed a minaret in Eger that was so narrow and had stairs trampled to such dangerous smoothness that coming back down required a harrowing restraint that caused my legs to shake for hours afterwards. I climbed a synagogue in Gyor but it had a regular staircase and only 3 floors. I took the elevator up the Eiffel Tower and the CN Tower. I'm sitting in a chair now with my feet up. I digress.

I live in Innsbruck now, nestled in a broad green gap between mountains. Q: How long can I continue to not climb mountains? A: As long as there are cable cars, church towers, trains, and as long as my wife doesn't demand edelweiss.

The Snowdrops are Flourishing in the Garden

Spring is here and advancing fitfully but steadily. The Earth is never content. It always longs for change -- discontent and the failure to be happy with what you've got: these are not human "faults".

Snow still lies in little heaps the garden, especially in the low foot-traffic areas and where I shoveled and piled it before leaving for work in the dark winter mornings. It lies in forgotten crusts, like the ruined foundations of buildings, or like childhood fears that look paltry now.

The snowdrops are flourishing in the garden. It's hard to figure out whether to be for or against them. What is their purpose? They hang their heads in abject meekness. Are they delegates from the defeated kingdom of Winter apologizing for the cold and the darkness and hoping for kind peace terms; ones in which there will be a continued place for Winter in the coming months? Perhaps they would like to divide the day and night into times for heat and for cold. It is, after all, already divided between light and dark. Surely Summer can live in harmony with Winter.

Or are they from the workshop of the future, of Spring? A tentative and transitional product between the seasons: a flower with yellow-green flourishes on the petal tips but overwhelmingly snow-colored. The new architects are not free from the style of their predecessors. Late Romanesque is easy to confuse with early-Gothic.

I'm inclined to believe in the snowdrops. Perhaps because I don't fear the cold or perhaps because I am optimistic or perhaps I see how they crumple when the dog races over them in pursuit of birds. It is Spring.

Welcome to Bratislava. A Guide for Newcomers

Welcome to Bratislava. I hope this little guide of generalizations helps you acclimate.


Alcohol -- Slovak beer is ok though not special. Some brands (Topvar, Stein) are more akin to animal urine. The best is probably Zlaty Bažant.  All the beer is either lager or pilsner (svelte, light colored/ blonde) or the dark (tmave) version thereof. There is no ale and no porter. Most beers are available in 10 and 12 degree. (For an explanation of what this means exactly look up 'beer measurement' on wikipedia.) Generally 10 is about 4% and 12 is about 5%. When you order a beer, the default is ‘svetle’ and either 10 or 12 degree.  When you toast - and you toast at the beginning of every round - make sure you make eye contact. Na zdravie! (cheers).
Wine is popular and apparently of high quality – ask your students for details, they're usually happy to talk about it.

Consumption of hard liquor (preferably home-made) grows as you move east -- reaching epic proportions by the Ukrainian border. The most popular are made from fruits: Slivovica (plum) and hruškovica (pear). Borovička is made from juniper berries but isn't as good as gin.

Bicylcles -- Extensive trails around Bratislava but not much in the city. You can buy maps in bookstores. And you can buy a bike from, well, ask your students, or Aran. Theft is not rampant.

Bratislava and the rest of Slovakia -- Bratislava is about 2x as big as the next biggest city (Košice) and is the political, economic, social, and cultural center of the country. Many if not most of your students will not be from Bratislava but will have come here either for university or afterwards to find a better paying job, or simply, a job. Like in all countries, there is some tension between the 'arrogant big city' people and the provinces.

Church -- Unlike the heathen Czechs the some Slovaks still go to church. You can find service in English here (by “Evangelical” they mean “Protestant”):

http://www.bratvegas.sk/directory/categories/43/religion_and_worship.html

http://www.bratvegas.sk/directory/categories/43/religion_and_worship.html

Construction Work -- Will be one of the constants of your life here. Above your apartment, below your apartment, across the street from your apartment. On the weekend. At 7 in the morning. At work. Life is empty without drilling.

Courtesy & Politeness -- Based on my observation, Slovaks are politer than we are. People usually open doors, give up seats, help pregnant women get the pram/stroller on and off buses. Say hello and goodbye on elevators/lifts.

When they pay or return change, Slovaks usually put the money on the counter or in the change dish rather than straight to your hand. 

It’s ok for parents to strip their little kids and have them pee in any grassy area, at any time. (My students disagree about this point.)

Finger-pointing is for kids. It is considered kind of low-class for adults. Slovaks prefer describing.

Czechs and Czechoslovakia -- Slovaks say that while ČSSR was supposed to be an equal partnership, the Czechs dominated it and served their interests first.  Nowadays, adults can understand each other but Czech children often can't understand Slovak (Slovak kids can understand Czech because of TV programs) and sometimes look down on Slovaks as a kind of little brother/younger cousin. I don't know if the Slovaks have an inferiority complex with the Czechs but it is important to beat them in sports. Try to remind your parents that you don't live in Czechoslovakia.

Dogs -- Like other Central Europeans, Slovaks love to carry their dog around. I don’t know why. People in Bratislava are also into putting clothes on dogs, ostensibly because of the weather.

Drugs -- You rarely see them on the street and they seem to be more on the margins of society than in ‘the west’.

Family and friends -- Same nuclear family structure. Slovaks seem to enjoy spending time with their parents much more than ‘we’ usually do. Also, many of my students still regularly spend time with friends from grammar or high school. Friday night is for going out -- Saturday for more family pursuits.

Food -- A light uncooked breakfast, a two-course lunch (the main meal), and a small dinner.
Slovak food is, frankly, nothing special: lots of deep-frying, pork, canned vegetables, peasant stodge, little spice or sexiness. The national dish is Bryndzové halušky (boiled gnocchi made from potatoes, sheep cheese, and a bit of crispy back-bacon squares on top). Slovaks are big soup eaters; the cabbage soup (kapustnica) and garlic soup (česnaková) deserve special mention. The tripe soup (držková) is, well, available.  Some Slovak cheeses, particularly the smoked ones, are quite good but there is little variety. 

Slovaks don't eat really weird things like insects or rotten sheep, so don't worry. One student told me that bull testicles (byčie žľazy) are available but I have never seen them.

English language – A lot of people (under 40) in Bratislava will be able to speak some, especially in jobs where they need to interact with us foreigners. Never assume the people around you don't understand what you're saying. Slovaks have usually learned British English. Slovaks like wearing t-shirts with English slogans of varying degrees of silliness that I don’t think they understand: "This shirt is hiding my nipples" (on a man), "I've got Jungle Fever" (with a playful cartoon lion). I saw a little boy with "Urban Aztec" on his shirt recently. What does that mean?

Escaping from Bratislava – Buy your train tickets at the station and your bus tickets (usually) from the bus driver, unless you’re going to the Vienna airport.  Train tickets are not for individual seats (unless you get a reservation “miestenka”) and if you are traveling on a holiday weekend you should make a reservation. If you decide to travel with Student Agency, which is a good idea, it's best to buy your ticket in advance from the office on Obchodna. Useful link: www.vlaky.sk. I have a blog in which I’ve written travel guides for day trips around Bratislava. It’s at www.mbtodd.blogspot.com

Gestures – Pretty much the same as ours. People count beginning with their thumb not index finger. American-style middle-finger.

Gypsies/Roma – Slovaks generally fear and loathe them and can be open in their racism -- much more open than your average Anglo. They view the Roma as lazy, thieving parasites. They say that this is based on experience not raw prejudice. Do yourself a favor and just avoid the topic in class unless you feel very comfortable with the student. If you want to see for yourself, one student recommends visiting “Letanovce”.

Homosexuality -- Doesn't seem to be very open here and public signs of affection are rare (I've never seen one). There are some gay bars here though -- best to look online. Or just ask the barman if he’s gay.

Hungary and Hungarians – To make a long story short: what is today Slovakia was part of the Hungarian Empire for about 1000 years. Generally speaking, Hungarians and German-speakers ran things. After the Great War the winners (and that includes Czechoslovakia) helped themselves to a lot of territory, including Bratislava, which had never been Slovak. (My students want me to point out that the Slavs arrived before the Hungarians.) Fast-forward 90 years: a large percent of southern Slovakia is ethnically and linguistically Hungarian.  Demagogues on both sides of the border try to capitalize of crude nationalism. I think individual prejudice is quite rare -- unless you hang out with the dregs of society. You will have Hungarian-speaking students.

iTunes -- Doesn’t work with a Slovak credit card although you can buy things in Slovakia if your monetary source isn’t Slovak.

Kofola – The Czechoslovak coke was first cooked up in the early 60s with the extra caffeine left over from domestic coffee production. (That doesn't make sense to me but that's what I read.)  It's good, even to a non-pop-drinker like myself. Some say it's the best thing to come out of communism, or as the Slovaks like to call it "socialism".

Litter – Slovaks litter freely. One student informed me it’s a national sport. That’s an exaggeration. You know, the wind will probably blow it somewhere else, or something. Maybe it’s a class and generational thing but Blava can’t be so trash-strewn from the Gypsies alone. Here’s looking at you, Slovaks.

Mail/Post – Best to get delivered to the school. At the suggestion of a local, I used a Slovak pseudonym so my mail from America isn’t pilfered. 

Aran says “Have people write ‘Slovak Republic’ on post items. If you're getting a package from outside of the EU – especially the US - use DHL, FedEx, or UPS - I've been screwed by the Posta too many times.” I’ve had 2 packages disappear myself, one was a biography of Bix Beiderbecke -- I’m sure the people at the post office, or customs or wherever, were all over that one.

Malls – 4 main malls: Aupark, Eurovea, Avion, and Polus, in descending order of swankiness. The Marks & Spencers at Eurovea has some English food. There's an IKEA (I enjoy the restaurant) near Avion. Avion has ice-skating at certain times. To get there take the 61 or 63 bus from Trnavske Myto.

Movies / Cinema -- Most English language movies are subtitled into Slovak. If a large number of children are expected to see it (“Harry Potter”, for example) then the movie may be dubbed into Slovak. There is a time lag between their home and their Slovak release. There is also a film festival. To see what’s on, google “movies in Bratislava”

Music -- In Ireland you are never more than 80 kilometers from the sea. In Bratislava you are never more than 15 minutes from being the captive audience of Top 20 radio. You’ll soon know all the songs whether you like it or not. What? You don’t want to listen to Bon Jovi and Lady Gaga while you eat dinner? There is a big music festival (with good music) called “Pohoda” in the summer.

Public transport – is generally reliable. You can't buy tickets from the driver (unless you're going to Hainburg). If you get in a jam, you can buy one with your mobile phone – sms ‘listok’ to 1100, instructions are on the bus doors). Tickets are less than a euro so there's really no need to gamble on riding black. Old people (and some other people, usually men) often smell bad so try to navigate accordingly.

Night transport is NOT included with your bus pass unless you pay the 3.33 a month extra - otherwise you have to buy a 70 cent ticket in addition to your bus pass.

http://IMHD.SK is available in English and will make your commute much easier.  'I must have doughnuts' has helped countless English speakers remember the site.

Restaurants – Seat yourself. Tip by rounding up, e.g. a bill of 5.23 would be 6 or give about 10%.  Slovaks usually tip the waiter by telling him directly as they are paying the bill rather than leaving it on the table. And speaking of tables, Slovaks love reserving them in restaurants and even in bars. If you're in a crowded restaurant it's ok for you to share a table with people you don't know, provided of course that the table is big enough and you ask first.
Service may seem slow, but they'll get to you - eventually, and the service is actually generally good once you reset your expectations.  The flip side is that you can sit there forever with your drink and nobody will tell you to free up the table.

Slovenia – Your mail from home might go here. Remind your family and friends that you don't live there.

Smoking – Like most Europeans, Slovaks love smoking. You can't smoke inside of restaurants unless there is a separate room, you can smoke outside and in bars. You can, in theory, be ticketed for smoking at a public transport stops.

Sports – The two most popular spectator sports are (ice-)hockey and football.  It's cheap to go to the games -- probably because all the best players are overseas. Whether it's hiking, mushroom-picking, skiing, in-line skating, biking, swimming, or team-sports, Slovaks are physically active. This explains why they are pretty fit even on a steady diet of pork and fried food.

Superstitions – Are pretty similar to Anglolandia. Other than, an even number of flowers is for the cemetery or a funeral -- so bring her/them an odd number unless death is involved. They'll open umbrellas inside buildings to let them dry. And they think seeing a chimney sweeper is lucky -- but only if you touch one of your buttons. (It doesn’t matter which one.)

Taxis/cabs – Cheaper by half when you telephone for one. When they detect your non-nativeness it's possible they'll screw you. I almost never take cabs so it's best to ask a student, or someone else for more details.

Time – People get up early here, meet in the evening earlier , and usually end the night earlier than in the UK or US. They are also a bit more punctual but not Germanically so. When the concert says it begins at 7:30 then it begins at 7:40 not 9:30.

Vegetarians – Not so common here although almost all restaurants offer a vegetarian section on the menu, almost invariable featuring deep fried cheese and deep-fried broccoli (or mushrooms or cauliflower).  Dishes can still have meat in them even if not written on the menu. Why are there chicken strips or bacon in the salad I ordered from the vegetarian section? Because it’s a salad, of course.

If you like cheese, a good call would be the 'nakladany hermelin", or pickled cheese. It comes with a bread basket. Good deal.
There is a good vegetarian restaurant on Obchodna that's run by Hari Krishnas. And La Ramblas has an all-the-tapas-you-can-eat deal for 6 or 7E if you pay before 5pm.

Vienna – It's best to take the train (11Euro, 15 w/ unlimited public transport in Vienna) rather than the bus (unless you're going to the airport) or the hydroplane which is slower, louder, and more expensive.

If you get the unlimited public transport ticket, you need to specify which day because the ticket will only be good for that day.

BRIEF LANGUAGE GUIDE

Dobrý den (do-brie den) – hello

Informal hi / bye  =  čau, ahoj (that’s right, like a pirate)

Dovidenia (do-v-den-yuh) - goodbye

Fúha (foo-hah) - used for unhappy surprises
Fíha (fee-hah) - used for happy surprises
Ty kokos (tee kokos), Tý kokšo (tee coke-show) wow, holy shit, no way, cool (literally, "you 

     cocoanut")
Počkaj – (poachkai) - wait
Prosím (proseem) - please, your welcome
Nech sa páči (necks apache) – here you are (when giving you something), may it please you,   

     can I help you? The short from is “páči sa”.

Pozor - watch out!, careful, caution
Daj mi pokoj (die-me pok oi) - leave me alone
Ešte jedno (esh-tjuh yedno) - one more (beer for example)
Môže byť  (mozh-uh beat) – maybe

Učet, prosím (ooh-chet pro-seem) – Can I have the bill please?

Ako sa má sestra -- How is your sister?

Some observations from a weekend in Eger

1) Although he may have in the past, your modern Magyar does not ride a horse, nor does he shoot arrows while riding backwards. Tourist guides don't mention this. I thought you should know.

2) There is a minaret in Eger. Turks had harems. There are a lot of beautiful women [1, 2] in Hungary. Presumably the minaret was built to watch then recruit them. Perhaps it was also hoped the minaret's obviously phallic appearance would get the ladies in the loving mood. Further, while I have never seen it in print, I believe it was quite possible the Ottomans invaded for the women. Vienna must have been for other reasons.

3) Much like their decline in football (soccer), Hungarian men are no longer moustache champions; although fine representations past glories are preserved for posterity on banknotes and monuments. On the other hand, unlike the equally swarthy Italians, the Hungarian women don't have moustaches.

4) Like the cuisine of their former underlings, the Slovaks, Hungarian dishes eschew fresh produce. Unlike the cuisine of their former underlings, the Slovaks, Hungarian dishes have different flavors and taste very good.

5) There is a lot of good Hungarian literature. Unlike some other Central European nations, they learned to read before WWI.

6) It is forbidden for non-Magyars to say some Hungarian words, for example: gyógyszerészet, szoposszaju, ülgyûrûfütty.

Day Trips in Southern Moravia

There are several places in Southern Moravia that are certainly worth going to, namely Brno, Olomouc, Znojmo, and the Valtice-Lednice landscape area. There are also a lot of places I've never been to that look very nice: http://www.vyletnicile.cz/en/

The Cathedral of St. Peter and Paul
 was built between 1904-5

Brno's greatest virtue is that it's cheap and easy to get to. While you're there check out the Cathedral (it dominates the skyline), Špilberk Castle (or at least the hill on which it sits), St. Thomas's Abbey (where Mendel grew his peas), and just stroll around the town. Brno is not beautiful or amazing but it does have enough to be engaging and to warrant multiple visits.


There is also the Villa Tugendhat. I like architecture in an armchair sort of way but I can't understand how this building managed to obtain UNESCO world heritage status.


Eat: L'Eau Vive (restaurant), Petrov 2


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brno


Near Brno is Slavkov u Brna, better know in English by its German name: Austerlitz. Although the battle actually happened a few kilometers from the village and a highway runs through the battleground, if you're interested in military history it might be worth a visit. I keep meaning to go but haven't yet.
http://www.slavkov.cz/en/

Olomouc is a little under 3 hours from Bratislava. Guidebooks like to praise it, saying it has the beauty of Prague but in a small town and without the tourists. Nonsense. It's nothing like Prague. It's pretty but not beautiful. There are old neo-classical buildings (crumbling of course) and the nature around is nice. Its main calling card is the UNESCO world-heritage Marian Plague column. 

Here it is. This and stinky cheese say "Olomouc!"

Outside the town hall (behind and to the left of the column in this picture) is the astrological clock. They've had an astrological clock since the early 1400s which they updated every hundred years or so (I'm borrowing this from wikipedia). The retreating German army shot it to bits and communists remade it with socialist figures instead of saints. The clock itself, while not beautiful, is attractive and you should certainly see if you're there. It is also amusing. It's hard to imagine that its makers weren't making fun of themselves. It looks very like mockery.

Intentional kitsch or in earnest?

Nice fountain, nice fishes, nice fishes

After you've sat around and drunk beer and eaten the local cheese (tvarůžky), which is dry, almost fat free, and stinks to hell, why not take a walk around the town? There are some nice fountains and nice churches, one of which you can walk up for a nominal cost and survey the town.

Olomouc FUN FACT: "One of Olomouc's famous sons was the film-maker Edgar G. Ulmar, who was born in Olomouc in 1904, but who always preferred to give Vienna as his birthplace". Thanks, wikipedia.

I am, of course, being a bit unfair to Olomouc. Poor Olomouc. Go see it for yourself, it's worth a day. The pictures are nice, aren't they?

Znojmo is also a bit under 3 hours from Bratislava. It has a beautiful town hall. You can climb it and see the countryside around, or, should you prefer going down, Znojmo also has well-developed catacombs which you can tour. I've never explored the catacombs so I can't recommend or dissuade.

Town hall, Znojmo 

FUN FACT #1: Here is Znojmo's mascot.


A little way past the town hall and uphill, you come to the gothic St. Nicholas' Church, the city castle, and brewery in your foreground. Between the castle and the brewery is a rotunda whose interior is covered with 11th century frescoes. In the background the town drops rockily into the Dyje River. It's a nice view. 


The town itself, like a lot of places in Central Europe, is crumbling faster than it's being restored. Enjoy the views, enjoy the local beer -- two of the Czech Republic's fortes.


FUN FACT #2: Znojmo describes itself as "City of Virtue" on its website. Here's the link.

Znojmo at its best

This is a wine-growing region, if that's your thing.


Lednice-Valtice Cultural Landscape: Once upon a time, the princely family of Liechtenstein owned large parts of Moravia. Not being content with the natural landscape, they decided to transform over 200 sq. kilometers into a giant baroque/neo-gothic "cultural landscape", meaning they built palaces, follies, and, out of spite, a 62 meter high minaret, which you can climb.

The focal point is Lednice (Lednice means 'refrigerator' in Czech). That's where you'll find the main castle behind which is the park with the minaret, various follies, and an island inhabited by storks. A castle tour you have to pay for but it's free to walk around landscape. That probably explains why there were a lot Czech riff-raff tourists around.


In order to get to Lednice you may need to go through Valtice. While at first it looks like a boring village, it has an impressive church and castle (Liechtenstein, of course) and is worth spending a few hours in in its own right, especially if you like wine.


All in all, I was impressed with Lednice-Valtice. It is a nice combination of culture, natural beauty, and value. It's a much better decision that Schloss Hof and I would highly recommend it. 


Useful links:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lednice–Valtice_Cultural_Landscape
http://whc.unesco.org/en/list/763/




Kroměříž and Třebíč  - Although both of these places look attractive and have UNESCO World Heritage status, I've never been to either. Here are links, should you want to explore
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kroměř%C3%ADž
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Třeb%C3%ADč


Other:
http://www.moravskykras.net/en/moravian-karst.html

Day Trips in Austria

INTRO

Ok, you've been to Vienna several times, you've enjoyed the atmosphere of that exquisite corpse of empire: The palaces, the museums, the jugendstil, the baroque, the Ringstrasse, the coffeehouses where this-and-that famous person played chess.  You have had your picture taken groping the breast of the women-lion statues at Belvedere like countless thousands. 

A moment of respite (statues are slutty in Vienna)

Maybe you've gone to an opera.

Let's back up.

It's easy to see the area between Bratislava and Vienna as just wind turbines, some hills, and a few hick villages between fields of bright yellow rape-seed. Mostly that's true but there are some places worth seeing: a UNESCO protected site, several castles and palaces (one with camels), a Roman provincial capital, a 2^nd century BCE Celtic hilltop fort, cathedrals, museums, a beaver and a stork preserve, among other things.

All of the places in this guide are reasonably easy to get to by train or bus. There are four main routes:

    From Petrzelka:

1) by train through Kittsee-Vienna

2) by train from Parndorf Ort to Neusiedler Am See

    From the Main Station:

3) by train through Marchegg

    From the bus station or Novy Most:

4) Hainburg and beyond

From Petrzelka

Kittsee -- The first stop.  Kittsee, like the rest of Burgenland, belonged to Hungary until 1920. Several minor historical events have taken place here, the most notable being that a crusader army (Crusade of 1197) gathered here in 1198 before setting off.  

The nicest thing in Kittsee is the aptly if unimaginatively named Schloss Kittsee, a baroque palace built in 1688 which is now an ethnological museum and holds occasional concerts. The grounds, with their hedges and chestnuts trees, were lovely in the slanting Autumnal light. This palace made Kittsee worthwhile for me, I’ll come again with a book.

There is also an Old Schloss which is standing but in ruins. Next to it is a derelict Jewish cemetery whose bent headstones you can see through a fence. For better and for worse, it isn’t open to the public. Also, there seems to be or have been an important hospital in Kittsee, there are almost 500 WWI dead in the cemetery, mostly Hungarian and Czechoslovak.

For some reason there are 30,000 apricot trees in Kittsee, that's almost 16 trees per resident.

Although "See" means "lake" in German, the town's name is derived from Hungarian (from the adjective form of 'blue') not German, so don't go looking to swim there.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kittsee

Pama / Gattendorf / Neudorf / Parndorf -- I've been to Pama and Parndorf. There's no reason why you should. Gattendorf means something like "husbands-village" though it's probably not derived from that nor is it likely a good place to look for one as there are only 1,129 people there. There is an ostrich farm in Gattendorf, it'll be on your left side if you're going to Vienna. You won't see this but they do like pretty cool.

Parndorf Ort -- This is an important stop. The railway on the other side of the platform from the Vienna line takes you to Neusiedl am See, Eisenstadt, and Hungary, though I don't recommend using it to get to Hungary as the cost is prohibitive.

GETTING OUT AT PARNDORF ORT

-Outlet Mall - When you get off the train walk up the road past the horse farm and turn right. The big grass shoulder will turn into a broad dirt walk/bike way soon. Enjoy the countryside, the wildflowers, the blue outlines of distant mountains, and the rolling hills to your right. In about 15-20 minutes you'll be in fake architecture, fast-food, shit music, and all your favorite big-brand-names. When the crops aren't too high you'll see hares and pheasants. There's probably a bus from the station but I've never taken it. The mall itself is a strip mall with almost all clothes/shoes/accessories stores. No bookshops, no music shops.  The last time I went was for shoes and they were considerably more expensive than what I could find n Bratislava. Perhaps clothes are cheaper, I don't know. I can't recommend. I’m looking forward to never going again.

http://www.mcarthurglen.com/locations/austria/parndorf/index.htm

Neusiedler Am See -- When you buy a ticket for NAS at Petrzelka it'll read Bratislava->Parndorf Ort. Don't worry, underneath it'll say that it's good to Neusiedler Am See. When you get to Parndorf Ort get out and switch tracks but don't get too comfortable on the other train, it's the first stop and only a 6 minute ride.

Sun, sand, rich Viennese

The first time I went I couldn't find the water.  I expected the town to be on the coast. This isn't the case. To get to the beach, (again I walked,) turn left out of the train station (back towards Parndorf Ort) and turn right at the larger street "Eisenstadter Strasser". This will take you through the downtown area which has some small town charm. There are some nice restaurants where you can taste the local wines which are, apparently, very good. There's an old church and a Trinity column from 1713-4. You may see storks, in fact the city built a nesting area for them near the town hall.

Turn right at the street "Seestrasse" and just keep going straight until you get to the water - it'll be awhile. It's 4€ for admission and 2.50€ after 3:00 pm. You can swim, paddle boat, and do some other activities like windsurfing. Apparently the area offers excellent biking possibilities. It's definitely worth checking out in the summer. The lake itself is a UNESCO cultural heritage site. The bottom is muddy but the maximum depth is only 1.8m and it dries up completely every couple of hundred years, lastly in 1866.

You can check the water temperature before you go by visiting: http://www.byc.at/wetter/

Other useful or informative websites are

http://www.neusiedler-see.at/

http://www.welterbe.org/

Eisenstadt -- The capital of Burgenland is nice for a long afternoon. Means "Iron Town" in German. To get to Eisenstadt buy a ticket for Parndorf Ort when you're in Slovakia and buy another one for Eisenstadt from the machine when you're in P.O. If you buy a round-trip ticket in Bratislava it'll be stupidly expensive.

The Eszterhazy Palace

The Eszterhazy Palace and its free public gardens are impressive. There are some nice churches. The town uses Joseph Haydn, who is buried here in the Bergkirche, as its drawing card so you may be able to hear a concert here. By the way, Haydn was originally buried in Vienna but had his head stolen to perform phrenological research on. The severed head's grim journey ended in 1954 when it was reburied with the rest of it's master -- and the other head in his casket. Anyway, I would recommend just wandering around and exploring the town, there won't be many more tourists so enjoy the baroque cleanliness of provincial eastern Austria or the outdoor swimming pool with a diving board on Bergstrasse, slightly northeast of the main street. There is also what was once a Jewish ghetto here, west of the Palace. There are two cemeteries there.

The Austrian novelist Robert Musil partly based his first novel The Confusions of Young Torless on his experiences while attending the military boarding school here when he was 12-14.

http://www.eisenstadt.gv.at/en/tourism/sights-to-see.html

If you're NOT GETTING OUT IN PARNDORF ORT

Bruck an der Leitha/Bruckneudorf -- Is the most significant, largest, and most interesting stop on Bratislava-Vienna line; while that's not saying much, the partially walled city of Bruck a/d Leitha is worth visiting.

The small river (the Leitha) near the train station looks small, peaceful, and unimportant. It, however, forms the border between the federal states of Burgenland and Niederosterreich (Lower Austria), and was the border between the Austrian and Hungarian parts of the Habsburg Empire. The train station is on the old Hungarian/Burgenland side (Bruckneudorf) and that's why the bust of Kaiser Franz Josef in the little park near the station celebrates him as a Hungarian, not Austrian, King.

Your Kaiser

To get to the main square of Bruck an der Leitha turn left out of the train station, when you reach the Kaiser Park turn right and cross the bridge. At the corner go straight/off to the right, you'll see a kind of half-circle arch, go through that. You should be on "Kirchengasse" and it leads to the main square. You can get maps and pamphlets on the right side of the outside of the church.

The highlights of Bruck a/d Leitha

Schloss Harach/Prugg crumbling, unused, beautiful

1) Schloss Prugg and its large English Park- Owned by the Harrach family (heavyweight aristocrats of the Empire), the castle is neither maintained nor open to the public except during the Advent market. The garden/park has a wide variety of trees, some of which are labeled, and is a nice place to walk. It's very nice to have a coffee in the garden of the restaurant, "Harrachkeller", next to the Schloss. It's open on Wednesdays and on weekends and holidays. This is entirely subjective but the castle really captures my imagination in a way that a restored and open-to-the-public building I think could not. If I had a lot of money, I'd buy it.

2) There are several medieval buildings and lookout towers and if you wander along Raiffeisengurtel you'll see the old city walls. Not very exciting but kind of cool if you're not used to seeing such things. 

3) There is an excellent family restaurant serving local food called Zum Goldenen Adler. Look for the red Schwechater Beer sign. It's at Altstadt 5.

4) Under the old empire Bruck a/d Leitha and Bruckneudorf (or "Kiralyhida" as the Hungarian called it) were garrison towns. On the Bruck a/d Leitha side you can find the barracks (or 'Kaserne' in German) still standing. It's on Raiffeisengurtel between Lagerhausstrasse and Hanuschstrasse next to the Stadttheater. You'll need a healthy imagination to enjoy the building.

Bruck a/d Leitha map with info:

http://translate.googleusercontent.com/translate_c?hl=en&sl=de&u=http://www.bruck-leitha.gv.at/system/web/zusatzseite.aspx%3Fmenuonr%3D218850233%26detailonr%3D218879154&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dbruck%2Ban%2Bder%2Bleitha%26hl%3Den%26safe%3Doff%26client%3Dsafari%26rls%3Den%26prmd%3Dmv&rurl=translate.google.com&twu=1&usg=ALkJrhjWHHC2NjVa7_EA4AsuGmKi8W4jbg

Bruckneudorf is much smaller. The few things of interest are the big monument for the Austrian-Hungarian war dead of WWI. There was also a big barracks here -- big enough for a waltz to be written about it at least. The national government uses land in here for military training. To get to the monument, retrace your steps back to the Kaiser Park near the train station and go under the overpass down Lagerstrasse and you'll see. It's labelled "Kriegerdenkmal" on the map.

A chapter from "The Good Solider Svejk" is set in Bruck an der Leitha/Bruckneudorf so you can follow in his footsteps though the Hungarians are gone. For more info:

http://www.serak.cz/Svejk/c36_en.htm

There is a cultural venue called Freunde der Erbse (Friends of the Pea) in an old pea-shelling factory. Their facebook group is here: 

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=393309432925&ref=search

There is the remains of a Roman villa (Villa Bruckneudorf) a few kilometers to the east of Bruckneudorf. I've never been there. Google for more information.

Gramatneusiedl -- The last stop before Vienna. You, yes YOU!, could become the first person I know to visit this town. Our team of researchers have revealed that GNS (1) was the location of an important sociological study, "The unemployed of Marienthal" and (2) is close to the Automobile and Motorcycle Museum of Austria, in nearby Mittendorf an der Fischa. Here's the link to the later:

http://www.oldtimertreff.com/index.php?thema=museum&cmd=museum_erklaerung

And here's a link to the former:

http://agso.uni-graz.at/marienthal/e/study/00.htm

TRAIN THROUGH MARCHEGG

Schloss Marchegg

Marchegg - If you have a bike Marchegg is worth seeing. If you don’t, well, then it’s not. You’ll have to walk about 40 minutes to get to the city part. Here you’ll find a baroqueified palace (now a hunting museum) and a nature reserve with walking trails, a stork colony, and, 7km away, a beaver colony. The reserve and trails were flooded when I was there but I enjoyed the village, just not so much to justify the 80 minutes of walking.

Schlosshof - A baroque palace with manicured grounds, a giant fountain, camels, petting zoo, and a schedule of events. Located in the middle of nowhere, it's like a Versailles that got lost. It used to belong to Eugene of Savoy (also owner of the Belvedere and several other magnificent palaces) and the Habsburgs. Neither stinted on it. It's been restored and is worth a summer's day. It's about an hour walk from Marchegg though of course a bike would help.

http://www.schlosshof.at/cms-en/index.php

BUS FROM BRATISLAVA

Hainburg an der Donau - The best way to get here is taking the Vienna Airport bus from the main bus station. It’s 2€ for a round trip ticket. The best thing to do is get out at Hauptplatz (main square) and just walk around. Hainburg has a nice small town, slightly medieval, atmosphere, with two forbidding guard towers, city walls, and a hilltop castle.

I can recommend an excellent heurigen next to the Ungarntor. The Haydnstūberl (restaurant) just northeast of the main square is pretty good too. There are maps at Information.

The first mention of Hainburg comes from the Nibelungenlied -- that's pretty cool, cooler than that the Turks destroyed the town and massacred the population (about 8,000) in 1683 on their way to Vienna. There is a plaque on Fishchertor/Blutgasse commerating the dead. Joseph Haydn’s grandfather was one of the survivors.

If you smell sweet raw tobacco it’s because there’s been a tobacco factory there since the 1720s.

The ruins of Schloss Hainburg from atop Braunsberg

The plateau like hill to the slight northeast of the city is called Braunsberg. I hiked up it in 25 minutes. At the top there was a 2^nd century BCE Celtic hill-fort whose guard tower is rebuilt to scale, a marker for the Carpathian Germans who were driven out, and a lot of Slovaks and locals flying kites and electric model planes. There are lovely views in all directions, especially of the Danube and its floodplain. On the northwest side of the base, there is a castle ruin (Röthelstein) which, unfortunately, is more a pile of stones and shattered walls than anything evocative.

The Danube floating into the sky from above Hainburg

A lot of Slovaks go grocery shopping at the 3 supermarkets in the west of Hainburg. To get there take the 902 to Steinerweg or walk down Landstrasse, it's 1.5 kilometers from the Wienertor. The food is a bit cheaper than in Bratislava.

The Danubian Flood Plain National Park (Nationalpark Donau-Auen) - A protected swathe of primeval forest/wetland running from Hainburg to Vienna. Walking, sightseeing, boating etc etc tours and excursions are available. There are beavers. Check it out at

http://www.donauauen.at/?&language=english

Bad Deutsch-Altenburg - Just down the road from Hainburg (you can walk, it's about 2.5 kilometers). There are two points of interest in BDA: the museum and the church.

The church -- Pfarrkirche Maria Himmelfarht (Parrish church of the Assumption of Mary), an impressive Romanesque Basilica from the early 12th century. The church is surrounded by a cemetery which includes a monument to the war dead and a single grave for 11 Hungarian-Jewish slave laborers murdered during a death march from Petrzelka in 1945. They didn't make onto the boat to Mauthausen.

Archaeological Museum Carnuntum - I recommend going here before venturing on to the ruins as the museum does a good job putting the site in historical and cultural context. One 9€ ticket will get you in the museum, the open-air museum, (the Kulturfabrik in Hainburg), and the amphitheatre; plus a free car/van ride between them. Friends, this is value. For more information see:

http://www.carnuntum.co.at/visiting-carnuntum/your-visit-in-carnuntum

BY BIKE

You can rent a bike in Austria for 1€/hr or 5€/day. You need to register first. Check here, for details:

http://nextbike.at/12.html?&L=en&fullhtml=1

EXTRA

Nameless

WWI cemetery and Czechoslovak Border Defense Bunker - Take bus 80 (from Kollarovo Nam. or Aupark) to Kopčianska, continue walking along the same route past the overpass. You can either take a right directly after the overpass and go through a junk-heap that looks like a outlaw camp or continue (past a small bunker) to the border, turn right, then another right -- just follow the signs or look for it on google earth, cemetery is 'cintorin' in Slovak. The cemetery looks like it's been restored recently. The bunker, which Hitler visited, has a free guided tour.

Some other places that look like they are worth visiting include Eckartsau and Rust but they are a little bit more difficult to get to. You can check them out at

Eckartsau

http://www.museum.com/jb/museum?id=768

http://www.pbase.com/roland_p/eckartsau

and

Rust: Wine and storks. You can get here from Eisenstadt (dom platz)

http://www.rust.at/en/index.jsp

Another useful link is the Austrian train/bus site:

http://www.oebb.at/en/index.jsp